Make peace with this fact… You will fight with your husband. Probably not what you want to hear.
I don’t know where you stand with this statement as an engaged woman. Maybe you and your fiancé have had many arguments. Maybe you have broken up several times. Maybe you have even given the ring back at some stage. Or maybe you have had only minor disagreements. Your fiance is better than chocolate to you, and you have not yet flirted with the waters of anger, frustration, and rage with one another.
No matter what kind of fighting you have experienced with your soon-to- be-husband. No matter what kind of frustrations you have with him. No matter how healthy of a relationship you have. Or even how much your heart flutters when you see him. You cannot escape the fact that you are human.
I can say without a doubt- YOU WILL FIGHT and IT WILL BE UGLY.
Before I got married I felt like I was being romanced by a prince, together we were strolling the streets of Paris, kissing, hugging, and telling our deepest secrets to one another. I was convinced that I would never fight with my husband. After all, he was a prince and I was his princess. We were in love. WRONG.
Not that we were not in love. Not that we were not one another’s prince and princess. Not that we did not love being romantic and affectionate with one another. But we were both human...very human.
Therefore, fighting was unavoidable. Even ask the most beautiful couple you know and admire. Sure, they may fight more glamorously. They may even fight without tears, or raised voices. They may actually keep their composure. (I wish I could do this!)
But my point is this...
Every married couple will fight. Unfortunately no one has ever written the book:
“10 Steps to Never Argue with Your Spouse Again”
“How to Always Agree with your Husband”
“Secrets to a Perfect Marriage”
Why is it important to realize before you are married that you will fight with your husband?
Because…You don’t have to AVOID fighting with one another or be afraid when it happens, but you can learn how to COPE with it when it does occur.
Here are 10 things I have learned about having arguments with my husband, all from experience (start practicing while you are engaged!) :
#1: It is not the end of the world because you and your spouse are fighting. ( I sometimes think that God does not love me anymore, that marriage is falling apart, that I am a horrible wife, and that I should just give up…don't recommend walking down this path!)
#2: Put a timer to your tears. You can’t have a decent conversation until you the eyes are dry and the snot has stopped flowing. ( I try to argue and make a point while I am crying… hasn't worked yet.)
#3: Breathe. Take a break. Go for a walk. (Helps to clear your mind, think straight, and get perspective)
#4: Talk it out. Always persevere. Never just give up or walk away and talk "later." (If it comes up later it will only be worse.)
#5: Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. You can never ask for, or offer forgiveness enough times. (Warning: You will get tired of this word but forgiveness never fails to work!)
#6: It always takes two to make an argument. One person is not the only one to blame. (Don’t point fingers. If you think about it… you did do something to contribute to the argument.)
#7: Don’t use swords, but oreo cookies. Swords hurt, they leave wounds. They are just plain painful. Oreo cookies are hard and soft, truth and encouragement. They leave a good taste in your mouth. They can be savored and enjoyed. Even when fighting, you can use words that build up and give the other person truth and encouragement, remember an oreo cookie- encouragement, truth, encouragement. While sword-like words hurts for hours, days, and even months afterwards.
#8: Make sure and laugh at some point in the argument. Don’t take life too seriously. (Ohhh I wish I could better at this one. Practice. Practice.Practice.)
#9: Try to remember while you are fighting that it is healthy. It will make you both stronger as a couple. You are learning how to love one another more completely.
#10: Have sex after you fight. (It’s the best, God intended for sex to maintain and bring the unity in marriage!! Enjoy a good make –out and make-up session!!)
A final note… in case you were wondering… my husband and I did not have a blissful dating season or engagement. There were disagreements around every corner. These differences created unrest in our hearts and we even broke up several times before finally getting engaged. In fact, we even fought the day before our wedding! He had to call me that night, while I was crying in the bathroom, and we both had to apologize. But marriage did not make all that go away. In fact the fighting can and will intensify, BUT so will the love you have for one another.
However, arguments do not have to be a sign that your marriage is weak, or that you married the wrong person. Actually quite the opposite. When you argue, bicker and disagree it is an opportunity to make your marriage stronger and your love deeper. When your marriage covenant of steadfast love remains and you walk in God’s grace, there is no argument you cannot get through. It is simply a sign that you are both human, learning how to love one another more completely, and become more like Jesus.
Don’t go looking to pick a fight with your spouse. Just accept the fact the arguments will come. And they may be ugly. (You might even cry, maybe yell, even slam a door) But you can rejoice, knowing that you will both come through stronger. Learn to argue in love.
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