To-Do #11: Relish his Compliments

“Your legs are like blueberry cheesecake.”

             “Do you know what?  You are beautiful.”

                        “I could live anywhere as long I was with you.”

These kinds of heart-stopping remarks from my love normally leave me breathless and flushed even as his wife. Usually my eyes dart to the floor and remain glued there until he is finished. Sometimes I respond with a shy “thank you,” without even glancing at him. Other times I just continue on with the task at hand, as if that is more important!

My husband’s compliment department is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  Just like his kisses, compliments never stop flowing from his lips. Most of which are PG-13- for my ears only.

His endless strings of thoughtful phrases demonstrate that he does not just have a way with words, but he knows the way to my heart. Rather than carelessly tossing out an occasional, “I love you,” or “You look nice,” he thinks through every statement before it hits my ears. As he speaks to me he will try his best to look deep into my bashful eyes, touch my leg softly, hold my hand, or whisper into my ear.

His compliments are genuine. His motives pure. He wants me to never doubt that I am adored. Treasured. Loved. Radiant. Beautiful.

Compliments are sweet to our taste, but they are often difficult to swallow.

The simple act of receiving compliments from our husbands actually takes practice.

Instead of trying to ramble off a poetical piece from Song of Songs, staring blankly at our toes as our cheeks turn shades of red, or putting our hands back into the dishes, we can try a more effective approach.

A compliment is best received and reciprocated when we press the pause button on our lives.

Even if you don’t believe it, let the compliment come into your heart and reside there.

Stop. Look. Move.

This is not a fire drill, but a way to acknowledge the truth that your husband is pouring out his heart towards you because he loves you!

Stop.  Wipe your hands off. Pull over the car. Take a seat while the shoppers pass all around you.  (Don’t care about the stares- people need to see true love more!)

Look. Turn and stare deeply into the eyes.  (Bat those lashes ladies!)

Move.  Hold his hand. Wrap your arms around him. Put your head on his shoulder.  (Snuggle up close!)

Relish in the moment for a few seconds. Perhaps a few seconds will lead to a couple minutes, and a couple minutes will lead to something else! (But only when you are married!)

I know it sounds silly- stop, look, move. But all that takes a few seconds and will work wonders for your relationship. 

Compliments are not meant to be tossed off and treated as common goods.

Compliments should be received with sincerity. They are a rare gem, even if you hear them every day.

Stop and receive it and you will start to believe it! You are adored. Treasured. Loved. Radiant. Beautiful.

Practicing to receive compliments from our man shows him more love and respect than you realize!

And your heart will be changed in the process.

Before you go and pick up more items for the big day, pick up on his compliments and respond to them!

To-Do #10: Change your Song...Compromise

We were getting married in just a week and my husband actually had the nerve to tell me that he did not want me walking down the aisle to the song I had chosen.

“That’s okay,” I thought, “We can work through this.” While inside I was fuming! Surely this is not a Christian thing to do! My husband-to-be was already telling me what I had to do!

Was this a sign of things to come?

Indeed it was.

But rather than a sign of the many disagreements we would face, it was a sweet picture of the compromise that would undoubtedly be present every day of our marriage.

Before I tell you the end of the story, let me tell you that my husband and I are extremely different, or maybe we are too similar. But regardless, we clash a lot. Throughout our dating years, there were a few break-ups over this very fact- our differences. These differences ranged from the foods we ate to the activities we enjoyed, to our personalities and our work ethic.

But we had a mysterious love for one another. We could not be without each other.  We always wandered back into one another’s arm. It’s where we felt the most peace. However, our love would prove be meaningless, if we never learned the art of compromise. If we were going to enjoy being married to one another we, at times, would need to agree upon a happy middle.

As Christians the word compromise is anything less than sweet. Most often it means a person has one foot in a worldly life, and one foot in God’s kingdom. They can be called repulsive luke-warm, and perhaps a hypocrite.

But in marriage, we need to get the picture of a luke-warm, hypocritical Christian out of our mind.  Compromise is truly one of the best tasting words that can roll off your tongue between a husband and a wife.  

It means we are considering someone else’s needs above our own.

It means we are willing to not get our own way.

 It means our way is not always the right way.

This is the art of compromise. Two distinctly different people gradually become one.

Rather than losing our individuality, compromise actually refines us and makes us more like Christ. It accepts the fact that we are still far from perfect.

When I heard that my husband did not like the song I picked, you would have thought I had chosen an offensive rap song to walk down the aisle too, rather than a beautiful worship song titled, “One Pure and Holy Passion.”

He did not know what he had done to my heart. I had dream about walking down the aisle to this song. I just knew it was the one, God told me.

At this point things could either blow up into a major fight with tears, yelling, and slamming doors. Or we could walk through this decision together.  Work it out like mature adults, keeping our words coated in grace and love.

Thankfully, the later was true.  I was able to get a hold of my emotions and hurt, and learn one of the greatest lessons in the school of compromise.

Many ladies that I tell this story to, engaged women in particular, gasp with a look of horror when I say that my husband made me change the song.

But looking back, it was a testimony of God’s design for marriage. It was not my wedding, just like it was not my marriage. It was our wedding, and it was our marriage. When two people become one, compromise is inevitable.  Marriage will challenge the way you live, the way you think, the things you hold so strongly too. It will make you a different person, and an even better wife. 

Don’t hold so tightly to your way and your desires. If there are places you need to learn the art of compromise, there is no better time to learn than when planning a wedding together.

Don’t let your differences tear you apart.

Even if it means changing your song!

Side note: I ended up walking down the aisle to “I Can Only Imagine.” We sang the other song I wanted during the worship time. The compromise worked out perfect and we were both happier!

To-Do #9: Practice Fighting

Make peace with this fact… You will fight with your husband. Probably not what you want to hear.

I don’t know where you stand with this statement as an engaged woman. Maybe you and your fiancé have had many arguments. Maybe you have broken up several times. Maybe you have even given the ring back at some stage. Or maybe you have had only minor disagreements. Your fiance is better than chocolate to you, and you have not yet flirted with the waters of anger, frustration, and rage with one another.

No matter what kind of fighting you have experienced with your soon-to- be-husband. No matter what kind of frustrations you have with him. No matter how healthy of a relationship you have. Or even how much your heart flutters when you see him. You cannot escape the fact that you are human.

 I can say without a doubt- YOU WILL FIGHT and IT WILL BE UGLY.

Before I got married I felt like I was being romanced by a prince, together we were strolling the streets of Paris, kissing, hugging, and telling our deepest secrets to one another. I was convinced that I would never fight with my husband. After all, he was a prince and I was his princess. We were in love. WRONG.

Not that we were not in love. Not that we were not one another’s prince and princess. Not that we did not love being romantic and affectionate with one another. But we were both human...very human.

Therefore, fighting was unavoidable. Even ask the most beautiful couple you know and admire. Sure, they may fight more glamorously. They may even fight without tears, or raised voices. They may actually keep their composure.  (I wish I could do this!)

But my point is this...

Every married couple will fight. Unfortunately no one has ever written the book:

“10 Steps to Never Argue with Your Spouse Again”

“How to Always Agree with your Husband”

“Secrets to a Perfect Marriage”

Why is it important to realize before you are married that you will fight with your husband?

Because…You don’t have to AVOID fighting with one another or be afraid when it happens, but you can learn how to COPE with it when it does occur.

Here are 10 things I have learned about having arguments with my husband, all from experience (start practicing while you are engaged!) :

#1: It is not the end of the world because you and your spouse are fighting. ( I sometimes think that God does not love me anymore, that marriage is falling apart, that I am a horrible wife, and that I should just give up…don't recommend walking down this path!)

#2: Put a timer to your tears. You can’t have a decent conversation until you the eyes are dry and the snot has stopped flowing. ( I try to argue and make a point while I am crying… hasn't worked yet.)

#3: Breathe. Take a break. Go for a walk. (Helps to clear your mind, think straight, and get perspective)

#4: Talk it out. Always persevere. Never just give up or walk away and talk "later." (If it comes up later it will only be worse.)

#5: Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. You can never ask for, or offer forgiveness enough times. (Warning: You will get tired of this word but forgiveness never fails to work!)

#6: It always takes two to make an argument. One person is not the only one to blame.  (Don’t point fingers. If you think about it… you did do something to contribute to the argument.)

#7: Don’t use swords, but oreo cookies. Swords hurt, they leave wounds. They are just plain painful. Oreo cookies are hard and soft, truth and encouragement. They leave a good taste in your mouth. They can be savored and enjoyed. Even when fighting, you can use words that build up and give the other person truth and encouragement, remember an oreo cookie- encouragement, truth, encouragement. While sword-like words hurts for hours, days, and even months afterwards.

#8: Make sure and laugh at some point in the argument. Don’t take life too seriously. (Ohhh I wish I could better at this one. Practice. Practice.Practice.)

#9: Try to remember while you are fighting that it is healthy. It will make you both stronger as a couple. You are learning how to love one another more completely.

#10: Have sex after you fight. (It’s the best, God intended for sex to maintain and bring the unity in marriage!! Enjoy a good make –out and make-up session!!)

A final note… in case you were wondering… my husband and I did not have a blissful dating season or engagement. There were disagreements around every corner. These differences created unrest in our hearts and we even broke up several times before finally getting engaged. In fact, we even fought the day before our wedding! He had to call me that night, while I was crying in the bathroom, and we both had to apologize. But marriage did not make all that go away. In fact the fighting can and will intensify, BUT so will the love you have for one another.

However, arguments do not have to be a sign that your marriage is weak, or that you married the wrong person. Actually quite the opposite. When you argue, bicker and disagree it is an opportunity to make your marriage stronger and your love deeper. When your marriage covenant of steadfast love remains and you walk in God’s grace, there is no argument you cannot get through.  It is simply a sign that you are both human, learning how to love one another more completely, and become more like Jesus.

Don’t go looking to pick a fight with your spouse. Just accept the fact the arguments will come. And they may be ugly. (You might even cry, maybe yell, even slam a door) But you can rejoice, knowing that you will both come through stronger. Learn to argue in love.