To Do #5: Walk in Forgiveness

“Banished.”

Go to your room. I don’t want to see you until you have everything sorted out and you are ready to be nice again. Then you can come back and we can talk.

“Banished.”

This is the word that runs through my mind as I send my husband away. I don’t do it purposefully, ofcourse not. But I do it with my body language, my actions, my eyes.

I don’t even have to tell him- he just knows.

Marriage provides endless moments of forgiveness.  The funny things is, the more comfortable you get with one another, the more you grow in your love, the more opportunities that come to offer forgiveness.

Banishing says nothing about maturity, but it does speak about my immaturity. I have learned to grow up over the past six months of marriage.

In my attempt to get even with my husband, I only end up doing more damage. Although I would like to argue, “But I felt hurt,” or “He deserved it!” I know better. The unfortunate thing about marriage is you can never point fingers.

There are always two people to blame.

Unforgiveness always feels better, but it comes at a price. You put yourself in a jail- and you pay the price.

I’d like to think I am “banishing” my husband, but in all actuality, I am locking myself away. 

Instead of thinking I am punishing my husband, I am really punishing myself. I am starving myself of the ultimate joy and freedom of forgiveness. I am holding on to it, keeping myself in what seems like a prison. Unforgiveness breeds its heaviness into my heart.  It breaths lies over my life. I am captured by the spirit of unforgiveness. It locks me away. It takes me to a world of anger and selfishness. In the meantime, my husband, is free to enjoy himself, go on with his life, with little knowledge of the fact that I am truly the one suffering inside.

Forgiveness unlocks the prison doors that we put around ourselves when we hold onto perceived hurts and offenses. In a marriage, it sets us free to enjoy our husband and our marriage. It speaks of our maturity and our willingness to grow and change.

Forgiveness takes the keys of the prison and throws them out the window and over a cliff. It says marriage is too precious, too valuable.

 As we open the door to forgiveness, we free ourselves to love and be loved. To become strong women who take our husband’s hands, rather than send them away. It takes responsibility for the pain we cause. Forgiveness says I will love no matter what. It is the door to healing, and better communication. It says I want another chance.   

Unforgiveness is not an option in marriage. It’s a door that you never want to open.

Although you may simply peek inside the door of unforgiveness, if you give it time, it will consume you.

What once started out as simple disagreement about doing the dishes, may have you sleeping on opposite sides of the house.

So before you walk out the door today with your list of things to-do… Make sure the door of forgiveness is open wide in your heart. Ask God to help you be a woman who always walks through the door of forgiveness, whether in marriage or in daily life.

To Do #4: Enjoy the Funny Sights, Sounds, & Smells

Long before I even started dating my husband, I had heard it said that, “Marriage is full of funny sights, smells, and sounds.”  

My goal is not to reveal to you the mystery of marriage encompassed in this little phrase, but to leave to you to discover that as you become one with your husband.

However, I do know that hearing a phrase like this gets me thinking, actually worrying. And thankfully, these worries were put to rest while I was engaged, and they died altogether once we were married.  

This phrase, “Marriage is full of funny sights, smells, and sounds,” intrigued me. There were two sides that came to mind.

The one side made marriage sound romantic, and mysterious. While the other side sounded anything but romantic, and actually more disgusting.

There are a few reasons for this uncanny feeling of disgust crept through me, especially as I prepared for marriage.

Firstly, the books on marriage and sex did nothing to ease my mind. They only heightened my fears.

Looking through a little book on newlywed sex, I saw pictures of naked people intertwined in the most peculiar of positions. Thinking to myself, “This is crazy!!” My virgin mind was horrified at having to assume these positions, realizing I would have to be naked. Funny sights, sounds, and smells would no doubt result from such acrobatic positions.

Secondly, I became more profoundly aware of my plentiful funny sounds, smells, and sights.

To get real honest with you, put your mind at ease, and make you laugh I will give you some examples:

 I have hairy arms. I mean, I am not an ape. But it’s just that one part of my body that makes me wonder, “God, what were you thinking, really?” 

My legs also. Don’t get me wrong, I shave. But they gain a prickly pear sort of feel just after a day or two. If it’s cold weather, than my smooth shaven legs are only enjoyed for about an hour. It frustrates me.

Another thing. Many girls and I have had discussions about this, “God what is up with the hair down there!” If you know what I mean… “What is so attractive about that anyways?”  

And I am also aware that I stink really bad after I work out, even with deodorant.

Like the rest of humanity girls do go to bathroom. And much to my husband’s surprise, “drops of honey” do not really come out! But something far more potent and unpleasant does.

My stomach also gets upset sometimes. And again, “the scent of roses” like my husband thought, is not what ensues from those episodes.

And lastly, I have small boobs. I just don’t have what other girls have. Now, I am okay with it. It comes in handy. It’s more comfortable to run. They don’t get in the way. But still, what would my husband think? There isn’t much there to play with or push around like all the books warned me he would want to do.

Thirdly, I was faced with the reality. I could not change any of this! True, some of these things laser surgery could fix. And maybe I should have done that.

But I realized something.  

The funny sights, smells, and sounds that we live with everyday are the way God made our bodies. During engagement my mentor, Dar, tried to convince me that my husband will love everything about me. My cactus legs, my fuzzy arms, my hair down there, and even my “smelly drops of honey.” I found it difficult to believe. As I am sure you are too.

But I want to put your mind at ease. These are the LAST things you need to be worrying about!  

To let you in a little secret. It really is true. Your husband will love every part of you!

And in actuality, one of the things that keeps a marriage alive and hilarious is enjoying all the funny sights, smells, and sounds together!  

You will discover that soon. But in the meantime.

Before you go and workout, try to shave off every little hair on your body, or get a bra that will make you look like you have more or maybe less.

 Embrace every little part of who you are. All the ungirly sounds you make, every embarrassing smell you produce, and all the distinctive sights that make you beautiful!

To Do #3: Get Alone with Your Husband

He is crazy for you. He desires you. He delights in you. You are beautiful beyond belief to Him. You leave Him breathless. You are His gorgeous Bride.

Do you relish in His love? What will it take for you to let Him romance you and pour out His love on you?

                Let Him overwhelm you.

                                 Let Him steal you away.

                                                Let Him wash over you.

That’s right God. God is Him. Our Husband. He put a ring on our finger long before our fiancé every got on one knee.  

 All throughout the Bible God beckoning His people, “Come away with me.” He calls himself a “True Husband.”  He voice whispers in our ear, “Will you marry me?”

My husband proposed to me three times. Three times! The first time was not enough. Don’t get me wrong. The first time could not have been more perfect. On the Island of Capri, Italy, in a little stone-walled hut that was set on top of a rock that overlooked the ocean.

He was speechless. That moment was a culmination of years he had spent running after my heart.

He finally got it.

The ring on my finger was the visual proof that we were committed forever to becoming the right person to one another, to become one.

The next day God spoke to Him, and He proposed again. This time it was in a different place, a place made not by human hands, but a beautiful arch that jutted straight out of the water. God had shaped and formed this place with his own hands, no man did. Proposal Number Two. It reminded us that only God is the one that will build our marriage. What he forms will never be broken down.

My husband-to-be proposed to me again on our last day on the island. We could not get enough of declaring our love to one another! We wanted to commit ourselves to one another every day!

God is proposing to us, not once, not twice, not even three times.

Picture this. God wakes you up in the morning. He is smiling at you, down on one knee. Your favorite flowers are before you and the smell of breakfast cooking fills the house. He says to you, “Will you marry me?”

                     God proposes to us everyday.

“For your Maker is your husband—
       the LORD Almighty is his name—
       the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;
       he is called the God of all the earth.” Isaiah 54:4-5

God is taking your hand. He wants to be your First Love. Your True Husband forever.

As you think about walking down the aisle, gazing into your husband’s eyes, and declaring your love to Him.

Think about Jesus looking at you intently, with eyes that make your knees go weak, and a voice that speaks right to your heart. He is making it known to the world that you are His bride.

How will you respond to your Lover’s proposal, to His call for intimacy?

Are you committed to becoming His bride?

To Do #2: Woman To Woman Time!

Who do you know? This is the question I propose to you today.

As a young soon- to -be married woman it is a wise choice to find someone you can truly open up with and be yourself with. Someone besides your soon-to-be husband or your single girl friends! Your relationship with this woman will be like a marriage/sex accountability partner.

 So who do you know? Or perhaps, who do you need to get to know.

 In thinking about who this could possibly be in your life, I want to be completely honest with you about a few things:

1.       Choose a Christian woman who is in love with God, someone you admire, and can easily talk with.

2.       This woman must not be ashamed to talk about sex. And I mean real sex topics. Stuff like orgasms, masturbation, birth control, the first night, you get the picture!

3.       If it all possible, think about choosing someone other than your mom. (Even if you can talk to your mom, having another woman to talk to about marriage and sex will give you another perspective.)

4.       Most importantly she must be still passionately in love with her husband, thoroughly enjoying her marriage and her sex life.

Why am I recommending all this? There are several reasons.

1.       I have walked this road before, and want to share with you what I learned.

2.       As a young engaged woman, the passionate sexual side of me was beginning to open up. I begin to have a lot more questions than I did when I was single and even dating. Where do you turn? Books, sermons, and websites are all helpful, but there is still nothing more valuable than an actual person!

3.       Although my mom and dad have an incredible marriage, and I love my mom to bits, having a marriage/sex talk with her felt shameful and slightly embarrassing. Example given below:

I will never forget our first and last talk in the car one day about a month before my wedding.

 It went something like this, “Why are you reading books on sex. What is there to know?”  This comment caught me off-guard. “There is actually alot to know,” I replied, “I want to learn how to be an amazing wife and please my husband in every way.”

“Well,” she said bluntly, “sex is not everything. Besides there is only one way to do it. What else do you need to know about it.”

Sex is not everything. That is true.

4.        BUT I also knew this- I wanted to get a PH.D in my husband. I wanted to learn more how to love him, please him, and be a beautiful godly wife.

5.       I also wanted this time of preparation spiritually, mentally, and physically to begin now, as an engaged woman.

[Enter Dar.]

Thankfully, the Lord put someone in my life during my engagement season named Dar. She had experienced a fulfilling and satisfying marriage with her husband in every way. (If you know what I mean!)

Just to show you how comfortable she was, she openly shared to women in our church about how amazing bubble baths are with your husband, as well as chocolate syrup and whip cream sex! One of her first questions to me was, “So what positions are you most comfortable with?” (Eeekkkk!!!) Needless to say, we jumped right in, holding nothing back! I had never seen such a mix. A woman crazy in love with God and crazy about her man!

6.       Having a woman who will help you to reframe your perspective on sex and marriage will only BENEFIT you and your husband in the long run. We are so used to hearing that talking about sex is crude, shameful, and even sinful. But please hear me. God created sex as beautiful, exciting, and so much fun!

7.       Don’t be naïve about all that marriage entails, but learn to be a confident, mature, and wise woman when it comes to God’s most beautiful and sacred gift to us.

**One more additional note:

You are able to use your time better when you meet together, if you prepare questions in advance, or have a book that you go through together. (Dar and I went through parts of “Celebration of Sex for Newlyweds” together)

So who do you know in your life?

Before you go to a single friend, or get overwhelmed by another pre-marriage preparation book,  find someone like Dar, who can help you understand all that is going on in your heart, mind, and body as you prepare for the big day and a  new life together with your husband.

To- Do #1: Pray

I remember the first day I started dating my husband to be, Michal.

I was so overwhelmed with thankfulness to God.

 I wanted to offer Him every part of our relationship. For Him to be the center of this new and exciting relationship. I was in awe of His love for me, in giving me such an amazing boyfriend.

 I walked the streets of Vienna, praying and interceding for Michal and I’s first months together.

 But then that faded. Our relationship was not so new anymore, the fireworks had subsided, and life got back to routine again.

Prayer seemed to be of utmost importance in those first days for Michal and I.

Love was such an overwhelming feeling.

Our relationship was a gift. I treasured it. I wanted it kept safe.

Most importantly I wanted to be the most amazing girlfriend. So I prayed.

But those seasons of prayer came off and on through the various seasons of Michal and I’s relationship.

However, in the months leading up to our engagement, and through that time, my prayers for our relationship were starting up again.

One of the things I worked through was the book, “Power of  Praying Wife,” by Stormie Omartian.  It is 31 one days of prayer for your husband, with different topics and devotions for each day.

 Wedding time feels like our minds, hearts and bodies are all busy – planning and preparing for the moment we have waited for our whole lives.

But, I managed to finish this book before our wedding day and  now looking back…  

 I can honestly say, that prayer was the biggest thing that helped prepare me on every level to be the bride and wife that God called me to be.  

It will also help to build a routine of prayer in our life, which will flow right into our marriage.

After all, our relationship  with our husband is a gift. We need to treasure it.  And ask God to protect it.

Most importantly we want to be the most amazing wife.  So we keep praying.

All the planning and preparation for the actual wedding day is so secondary to the preparation of our hearts and minds before God in prayer.

So before you mail out another wedding invitation, stress about the decorations, read another article in the BRIDE magazine, or wonder if you will ever be like a proverbs 31 woman, 

spend some time with Jesus and simply pray.  

Link to 31 Days of Prayer