To Do #8: Don't Forget the Lingerie!

My lingerie is getting dusty.

My husband left for ten days on a trip for work, the longest we have been apart since being married.  During these ten days I slept over at a girlfriend’s house.

She would have kicked me out if I traipsed around her house in my usual sleeping attire.

I miss my lingerie.

For ten days I was forced back into my frilly heart pajamas, and plaid baggy bottoms with a simple t-shirt.  So plain. I wore those for 27 years of my life.

Ofcourse I am not saying get rid of your old raggedy t-shirts or worn-out flannels, they are great for occasions just like these- sleeping with friends, big family vacations, or when company is staying over.

But now that you are going to be a married woman I highly recommend taking a trip to the lingerie store and only bringing out the oldies when absolutely necessary.

Lingerie stores use to petrify me. Seriously. I would mutter phrases under my breath like,

“Please… why do women need to wear that!” Or “Geesh, that is awfully skanky...”

Or “that is way too revealing. What’s the use?”  Or, “That can’t be comfortable.”

But that’s only because I was a single girl. Totally inexperienced and naïve about what married life was all about.

Lingerie was for those other women. Women who were not married. Women who had no values. Women who had the “stuff” to show- off in items like that. Surely those women were not Jesus loving, passionate women after God’s heart.

Thankfully I had a revelation.  Lingerie wasn’t just for the “other women” but it was actually more for us godly women! If anyone should be wearing that stuff it should be us!! Women who are committed to their man for life.

God honoring women were allowed to be sexy too!

But what about my body? I would never dare to try on something like lingerie- lacey, silky, see-through, my mind screamed, “eeekkkk!” But deep down inside I really wanted to just see what it was like.

Thankfully God showed me that no matter your size or shape, lingerie adorns your body like whip cream on hot chocolate. It does not add or take from what you already have, but it gives you that little extra. It would be silly to say that marriage is all about the lingerie you wear. Ofcourse, it’s not.

But my point is this- Lingerie adds a little decoration into marriage. Not only is it a special treat for you, but your husband will want to look at you forever.

The best part is… you don’t have the body of the Victoria’s Secret model to slip into a lacey night gown, it makes every woman feel like a princess no matter the size or shape you God has given you.

My outlook on lingerie did not change overnight. But two bridal showers later, I went from 2 white bras and polka dot underwear to a drawer overflowing with enough intimate wear for the whole first two months of our marriage!

It made me blush just looking at in the drawer! But trust me, lingerie is no good until it’s worn.  Now was my chance. I could finally get to try it on. Too frightened to appear in a store browsing around for unmentionables, I now had my opportunity.

Hours later… I was grinning, spinning with excitement for the wedding night, feeling confident, and womanly.  I had finally tried on everything I had received from only my first bridal shower.

Slipping into made me feel like a present waiting to be unwrapped by my husband.

 I suddenly realized how special, not skanky it was.  

Instead of complaining I would never wear it, I now wanted more.

The more revealing it was the more it made feel like a princess.

And to my surprise these less coverage items were much more comfortable.

Now, I know some married women who NEVER highlight their bodies by wearing such things anymore. It stopped the day after their honeymoon.

And all I can think is… Sad, there lingerie is getting dusty. Not that their husband loves them any less. But lingerie is a simple way to keep the love vibrant, fresh and young in marriage.

 It seems to say, “I am still ready for you. Still in love with you. Still pursuing you. You are still worth it.”

Who would not want to say that to their husbands!

So before you go and try to find the perfect shoes to match your wedding dress, make sure you have invested adequate time in picking out the stunning little number for your honeymoon night and… have enough for a few nights after that!

God honoring women can be sexy too!

To-Do #7: Surrender the Beauty Battle

Skimming through pre-marital books, and seeing the sketches of the more “intimate parts” of marriage, usually left me gasping for air. My eyes peeled back in shock. These reading sessions were normally quite brief, since my ability to digest sex talk was quite low as an engaged woman!

My naïve mind was still haunted by the question, “What will my husband think when he sees me naked?”

Months before my wedding I was still vividly imagining the shock on my husband’s face when he discovered my prickly leg hairs, non-existent cleavage, and fuzzy arm hair in all their glory.

Sex with the light on. Never.

Lingerie. Not me.

Bubble bath together. In your dreams.

Sex with the light on. Never.

Lingerie. Not me.

Bubble bath together. In your dreams.

Obviously, I was nowhere near the definition of a sexually confident wife! Nearly every time I looked in the mirror my eyes focused on the mistakes.  

Here’s why…

For most of my life I only owned two white bras and boy cut underwear in polka dots and stripes. I was known as the first person to grab a towel out of the swimming pool, and the last to walk around in a bra and panties in my all-girls apartment. Never wanting to draw attention to myself, I was ashamed of the way God had made me. 

The desire for a perfect figure eventually led me into the biggest battle of my life so far- an eating disorder. Instead of giving me the confidence I desperately longed for, this obsession quickly stole my femininity.

I soon found myself feeling like an “it,” rather than a woman.  My womanly figure was non-existent. I consisted of skin and bones, and was blinded to the beauty within me. The thick blanket of lies that covered me had succeeded in getting me to think I would never be pretty enough.  

If my thighs touched together I felt worthless. When my belly stuck out a little I would run for an hour on the treadmill. If I noticed any sign of fat developing I would nibble on some lettuce leaves making it my only meal of the day. 

The scale was more than a machine. It eventually became best friend, the smaller numbers it gave me the more I enjoyed standing on it.   

I was starving for confidence. Dying for change. 

Fast forward my story to 2010. 

I am now approaching one year of marriage. I have stopped fighting the battle to be beautiful and thin. God has shown me that counting calories and staying a size two will never make me feel beautiful. 

You will find me confidently sporting my two-piece swimsuit, even though my body is nothing like the women on magazine covers. The size of my thighs or how my jeans fit (even if they are a little tighter!) does not rock my world because I know that my curves are feminine. The scale only tells me my weight- it does not determine my confidence. 

Although you may have never struggled with an eating disorder, perhaps, you’ve fallen into the trap of believing that binge dieting, late night workouts, and skin regimens can somehow give you the perfect body, and in return give you the confidence you so desperately desire.  

However, deriving our confidence from the number on the scale or the little tag on the inside of our jeans, will always leave us dissatisfied, and not to mention hungry!

Are you starving to be confident in your physical appearance?

Along with my testimony, perhaps you need a little more motivation in learning to love the body God has given you…Being confident in your body will also unlock greater depths of intimacy in your marriage!

My husband is thrilled to see that I do not hide my body behind a towel, nor am I skittish in my lingerie, or fearful to be naked. Nothing could excite him more than to hear me say,  

Sex with the light on. Definitely more fun!

Lingerie. Always!

Bubble bath together. Can’t wait!

As married women, the view we have of our body does not just affect one person, but two!

Before you try to wax off all your odd hairs, run yourself crazy on the treadmill, or complain about your awkward features- stand naked in from the mirror and accept, with a smile, the body that God has given you. 

If God can take a woman who was once fearful of gaining a single pound and transform her into a sexually confident wife, then He can certainly do for you too!

Remember that true beauty is not something to be achieved; rather it is who we are as women. Our bodies are fingerprints of His handiwork.

 What awkward features about your body (we all have them!) are you allowing to steal your confidence?

Are you still battling to accept the woman you see in the mirror?

Being confident in our own skin makes us exceptionally radiant and attractive women. Better yet, it is a priceless gift we can give our husbands every day of our marriage!

This post was featured on Shannon Ethridge's Sexually Confident Wife Blog

To Do #6: Learn to Dance

The real dance of the wedding day has nothing to do with the right shoes or the smooth moves.

My husband and I were very much aware of our dancing handicap. We knew quite well that our first dance on our wedding day would be a shocker. 

A picture of awkwardness; like two clumsy clowns trying to find their feet after colliding into one another.  If we did not get some timing to our step and flow to our bodies we would be an embarrassment to all.

As if I did not have enough pressure already. Friends were flying in from all over the country, the last minute details were coming together. Being a determined bride, no box was going to be left unchecked.

But I was afraid time was running short. The “learn to dance” box was still empty days before our wedding.

 I felt the pressure from countless bridal websites telling me that the first dance should be so well choreographed that everyone is left gasping at its beauty.

Most couples seemed to have planned their every move, practiced for hours each day, and got professional lessons. They looked like an old married couple waltzing across the floor, like they foreknew the other’s step before it was even taken.

However, more important than the fancy steps, the swing dance flips over his shoulder, or the wows from the crowd, is the dance called marriage.

This is the dance that you want to practice, starting now while you are engaged.

Work on being in sync with one another, by that I mean, getting to know one another better. Know what makes the other person’s day. Know how to please one another in every way.

Learn the “fancy steps” of marriage.  Loving one another unconditionally, forgiving and forgetting, encouraging and serving one another.

As for the “swing dance flips,” you will learn these with time. These are the mountain tops of marriage that come as you get in rythem with each other. Marriage is overflowing with moments such as these, but they only come with practice and a willingness to always keep moving forward together.  

This is a well choreographed marriage that will truly “wow the crowd.”

I am sure you are wondering what happened on my husband and I’s first dance.

We got in a short practice with some of our gifted swing dance loving friends, but I cannot say those 30 minutes were a success.

We only realized once more that our dance moves are naturally dreadful. Everyone else seemed to be floating around on the wood floor, while were like two elephants with four heavy feet each. We were a tangled mess.

However, the first dance did not resemble the style we were so prone to exhibit.

Surprised hardly describes how we felt on our wedding day as we whirled around in the backyard like no one was watching. We were not performing, or trying to impress. As newlyweds we were enraptured with one another.

 These clumsy clowns realized the secret to dancing. It lies in looking into one another’s eyes not just while the music is playing but for a lifetime.

This is the marriage dance. It is the dance that we will persistently pour our effort and time into practicing.  

If you are feeling overwhelmed by needing to have a first dance at your wedding, let it worry you know more! Coming from a bumbling bride, you will have a lifetime to practice “dancing.”

To Do #5: Walk in Forgiveness

“Banished.”

Go to your room. I don’t want to see you until you have everything sorted out and you are ready to be nice again. Then you can come back and we can talk.

“Banished.”

This is the word that runs through my mind as I send my husband away. I don’t do it purposefully, ofcourse not. But I do it with my body language, my actions, my eyes.

I don’t even have to tell him- he just knows.

Marriage provides endless moments of forgiveness.  The funny things is, the more comfortable you get with one another, the more you grow in your love, the more opportunities that come to offer forgiveness.

Banishing says nothing about maturity, but it does speak about my immaturity. I have learned to grow up over the past six months of marriage.

In my attempt to get even with my husband, I only end up doing more damage. Although I would like to argue, “But I felt hurt,” or “He deserved it!” I know better. The unfortunate thing about marriage is you can never point fingers.

There are always two people to blame.

Unforgiveness always feels better, but it comes at a price. You put yourself in a jail- and you pay the price.

I’d like to think I am “banishing” my husband, but in all actuality, I am locking myself away. 

Instead of thinking I am punishing my husband, I am really punishing myself. I am starving myself of the ultimate joy and freedom of forgiveness. I am holding on to it, keeping myself in what seems like a prison. Unforgiveness breeds its heaviness into my heart.  It breaths lies over my life. I am captured by the spirit of unforgiveness. It locks me away. It takes me to a world of anger and selfishness. In the meantime, my husband, is free to enjoy himself, go on with his life, with little knowledge of the fact that I am truly the one suffering inside.

Forgiveness unlocks the prison doors that we put around ourselves when we hold onto perceived hurts and offenses. In a marriage, it sets us free to enjoy our husband and our marriage. It speaks of our maturity and our willingness to grow and change.

Forgiveness takes the keys of the prison and throws them out the window and over a cliff. It says marriage is too precious, too valuable.

 As we open the door to forgiveness, we free ourselves to love and be loved. To become strong women who take our husband’s hands, rather than send them away. It takes responsibility for the pain we cause. Forgiveness says I will love no matter what. It is the door to healing, and better communication. It says I want another chance.   

Unforgiveness is not an option in marriage. It’s a door that you never want to open.

Although you may simply peek inside the door of unforgiveness, if you give it time, it will consume you.

What once started out as simple disagreement about doing the dishes, may have you sleeping on opposite sides of the house.

So before you walk out the door today with your list of things to-do… Make sure the door of forgiveness is open wide in your heart. Ask God to help you be a woman who always walks through the door of forgiveness, whether in marriage or in daily life.

To Do #4: Enjoy the Funny Sights, Sounds, & Smells

Long before I even started dating my husband, I had heard it said that, “Marriage is full of funny sights, smells, and sounds.”  

My goal is not to reveal to you the mystery of marriage encompassed in this little phrase, but to leave to you to discover that as you become one with your husband.

However, I do know that hearing a phrase like this gets me thinking, actually worrying. And thankfully, these worries were put to rest while I was engaged, and they died altogether once we were married.  

This phrase, “Marriage is full of funny sights, smells, and sounds,” intrigued me. There were two sides that came to mind.

The one side made marriage sound romantic, and mysterious. While the other side sounded anything but romantic, and actually more disgusting.

There are a few reasons for this uncanny feeling of disgust crept through me, especially as I prepared for marriage.

Firstly, the books on marriage and sex did nothing to ease my mind. They only heightened my fears.

Looking through a little book on newlywed sex, I saw pictures of naked people intertwined in the most peculiar of positions. Thinking to myself, “This is crazy!!” My virgin mind was horrified at having to assume these positions, realizing I would have to be naked. Funny sights, sounds, and smells would no doubt result from such acrobatic positions.

Secondly, I became more profoundly aware of my plentiful funny sounds, smells, and sights.

To get real honest with you, put your mind at ease, and make you laugh I will give you some examples:

 I have hairy arms. I mean, I am not an ape. But it’s just that one part of my body that makes me wonder, “God, what were you thinking, really?” 

My legs also. Don’t get me wrong, I shave. But they gain a prickly pear sort of feel just after a day or two. If it’s cold weather, than my smooth shaven legs are only enjoyed for about an hour. It frustrates me.

Another thing. Many girls and I have had discussions about this, “God what is up with the hair down there!” If you know what I mean… “What is so attractive about that anyways?”  

And I am also aware that I stink really bad after I work out, even with deodorant.

Like the rest of humanity girls do go to bathroom. And much to my husband’s surprise, “drops of honey” do not really come out! But something far more potent and unpleasant does.

My stomach also gets upset sometimes. And again, “the scent of roses” like my husband thought, is not what ensues from those episodes.

And lastly, I have small boobs. I just don’t have what other girls have. Now, I am okay with it. It comes in handy. It’s more comfortable to run. They don’t get in the way. But still, what would my husband think? There isn’t much there to play with or push around like all the books warned me he would want to do.

Thirdly, I was faced with the reality. I could not change any of this! True, some of these things laser surgery could fix. And maybe I should have done that.

But I realized something.  

The funny sights, smells, and sounds that we live with everyday are the way God made our bodies. During engagement my mentor, Dar, tried to convince me that my husband will love everything about me. My cactus legs, my fuzzy arms, my hair down there, and even my “smelly drops of honey.” I found it difficult to believe. As I am sure you are too.

But I want to put your mind at ease. These are the LAST things you need to be worrying about!  

To let you in a little secret. It really is true. Your husband will love every part of you!

And in actuality, one of the things that keeps a marriage alive and hilarious is enjoying all the funny sights, smells, and sounds together!  

You will discover that soon. But in the meantime.

Before you go and workout, try to shave off every little hair on your body, or get a bra that will make you look like you have more or maybe less.

 Embrace every little part of who you are. All the ungirly sounds you make, every embarrassing smell you produce, and all the distinctive sights that make you beautiful!

To Do #3: Get Alone with Your Husband

He is crazy for you. He desires you. He delights in you. You are beautiful beyond belief to Him. You leave Him breathless. You are His gorgeous Bride.

Do you relish in His love? What will it take for you to let Him romance you and pour out His love on you?

                Let Him overwhelm you.

                                 Let Him steal you away.

                                                Let Him wash over you.

That’s right God. God is Him. Our Husband. He put a ring on our finger long before our fiancé every got on one knee.  

 All throughout the Bible God beckoning His people, “Come away with me.” He calls himself a “True Husband.”  He voice whispers in our ear, “Will you marry me?”

My husband proposed to me three times. Three times! The first time was not enough. Don’t get me wrong. The first time could not have been more perfect. On the Island of Capri, Italy, in a little stone-walled hut that was set on top of a rock that overlooked the ocean.

He was speechless. That moment was a culmination of years he had spent running after my heart.

He finally got it.

The ring on my finger was the visual proof that we were committed forever to becoming the right person to one another, to become one.

The next day God spoke to Him, and He proposed again. This time it was in a different place, a place made not by human hands, but a beautiful arch that jutted straight out of the water. God had shaped and formed this place with his own hands, no man did. Proposal Number Two. It reminded us that only God is the one that will build our marriage. What he forms will never be broken down.

My husband-to-be proposed to me again on our last day on the island. We could not get enough of declaring our love to one another! We wanted to commit ourselves to one another every day!

God is proposing to us, not once, not twice, not even three times.

Picture this. God wakes you up in the morning. He is smiling at you, down on one knee. Your favorite flowers are before you and the smell of breakfast cooking fills the house. He says to you, “Will you marry me?”

                     God proposes to us everyday.

“For your Maker is your husband—
       the LORD Almighty is his name—
       the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;
       he is called the God of all the earth.” Isaiah 54:4-5

God is taking your hand. He wants to be your First Love. Your True Husband forever.

As you think about walking down the aisle, gazing into your husband’s eyes, and declaring your love to Him.

Think about Jesus looking at you intently, with eyes that make your knees go weak, and a voice that speaks right to your heart. He is making it known to the world that you are His bride.

How will you respond to your Lover’s proposal, to His call for intimacy?

Are you committed to becoming His bride?

To Do #2: Woman To Woman Time!

Who do you know? This is the question I propose to you today.

As a young soon- to -be married woman it is a wise choice to find someone you can truly open up with and be yourself with. Someone besides your soon-to-be husband or your single girl friends! Your relationship with this woman will be like a marriage/sex accountability partner.

 So who do you know? Or perhaps, who do you need to get to know.

 In thinking about who this could possibly be in your life, I want to be completely honest with you about a few things:

1.       Choose a Christian woman who is in love with God, someone you admire, and can easily talk with.

2.       This woman must not be ashamed to talk about sex. And I mean real sex topics. Stuff like orgasms, masturbation, birth control, the first night, you get the picture!

3.       If it all possible, think about choosing someone other than your mom. (Even if you can talk to your mom, having another woman to talk to about marriage and sex will give you another perspective.)

4.       Most importantly she must be still passionately in love with her husband, thoroughly enjoying her marriage and her sex life.

Why am I recommending all this? There are several reasons.

1.       I have walked this road before, and want to share with you what I learned.

2.       As a young engaged woman, the passionate sexual side of me was beginning to open up. I begin to have a lot more questions than I did when I was single and even dating. Where do you turn? Books, sermons, and websites are all helpful, but there is still nothing more valuable than an actual person!

3.       Although my mom and dad have an incredible marriage, and I love my mom to bits, having a marriage/sex talk with her felt shameful and slightly embarrassing. Example given below:

I will never forget our first and last talk in the car one day about a month before my wedding.

 It went something like this, “Why are you reading books on sex. What is there to know?”  This comment caught me off-guard. “There is actually alot to know,” I replied, “I want to learn how to be an amazing wife and please my husband in every way.”

“Well,” she said bluntly, “sex is not everything. Besides there is only one way to do it. What else do you need to know about it.”

Sex is not everything. That is true.

4.        BUT I also knew this- I wanted to get a PH.D in my husband. I wanted to learn more how to love him, please him, and be a beautiful godly wife.

5.       I also wanted this time of preparation spiritually, mentally, and physically to begin now, as an engaged woman.

[Enter Dar.]

Thankfully, the Lord put someone in my life during my engagement season named Dar. She had experienced a fulfilling and satisfying marriage with her husband in every way. (If you know what I mean!)

Just to show you how comfortable she was, she openly shared to women in our church about how amazing bubble baths are with your husband, as well as chocolate syrup and whip cream sex! One of her first questions to me was, “So what positions are you most comfortable with?” (Eeekkkk!!!) Needless to say, we jumped right in, holding nothing back! I had never seen such a mix. A woman crazy in love with God and crazy about her man!

6.       Having a woman who will help you to reframe your perspective on sex and marriage will only BENEFIT you and your husband in the long run. We are so used to hearing that talking about sex is crude, shameful, and even sinful. But please hear me. God created sex as beautiful, exciting, and so much fun!

7.       Don’t be naïve about all that marriage entails, but learn to be a confident, mature, and wise woman when it comes to God’s most beautiful and sacred gift to us.

**One more additional note:

You are able to use your time better when you meet together, if you prepare questions in advance, or have a book that you go through together. (Dar and I went through parts of “Celebration of Sex for Newlyweds” together)

So who do you know in your life?

Before you go to a single friend, or get overwhelmed by another pre-marriage preparation book,  find someone like Dar, who can help you understand all that is going on in your heart, mind, and body as you prepare for the big day and a  new life together with your husband.