My living room is beginning to look we are preparing for a rocket launch.
It’s official I said to my husband, “You are a nerd!”A smile spread across both our faces and we laughed.
This is part of my husband that deep in the back of my mind I always… possibly…maybe if I tried hard enough, thought I could change.
He is a passionate engineer, loves his job, and it’s beautiful. He is a genius in my eyes. A sexy smart man! Currently he is working from home {aka our living room!}. So oftentimes he has his boy toys spread out across the floor. He is testing new products, trying to fix problems, or programming some spaceship looking objects. Antenna, wires, computers… oh my!
This is not exactly the sweet country home I had dreamt about, at least not yet. But instead of changing his nerdy little ways, in 8 short months, this side of him has become a major attraction to me not a distraction.I am pleasantly surprised to find that I absolutely love seeing my husband engaged fully in his work and enjoying it {most of the time!}.
I have made peace with the fact that my designer decorations can wait. Our little two bedroom cottage is just right for us as newlyweds, even if it doubles as a gateway into the solar system {chuckle}.
I love my drop dead gorgeous intelligent husband!
The thing that I thought would be our biggest point of clashing has become a source of inspiration for me.
My hardworking husband motivates me to put my heart into everything I do, whether it’s work, relationships, or cooking.
There were moments where I wanted to take his computer and throw it in the garbage, but now I relish in my husband’s uniqueness.To see him succeed in what his heart and hands find to do is my biggest joy! I want my hubby to be free to by himself with me.
And in the end, possibly…maybe… I think… I am the one who needed to change.
Before you pray God changes him, pray first that
God changes you.
Let your wedding and marriage be a celebration of the differences you both have, and find a way each day to encourage him to be exactly the man God's called him to be!
These kinds of heart-stopping remarks from my love normally leave me breathless and flushed even as his wife. Usually my eyes dart to the floor and remain glued there until he is finished. Sometimes I respond with a shy “thank you,” without even glancing at him. Other times I just continue on with the task at hand, as if that is more important!
My husband’s compliment department is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Just like his kisses, compliments never stop flowing from his lips. Most of which are PG-13- for my ears only.
His endless strings of thoughtful phrases demonstrate that he does not just have a way with words, but he knows the way to my heart. Rather than carelessly tossing out an occasional, “I love you,” or “You look nice,” he thinks through every statement before it hits my ears. As he speaks to me he will try his best to look deep into my bashful eyes, touch my leg softly, hold my hand, or whisper into my ear.
His compliments are genuine. His motives pure. He wants me to never doubt that I am adored. Treasured. Loved. Radiant. Beautiful.
Compliments are sweet to our taste, but they are often difficult to swallow.
The simple act of receiving compliments from our husbands actually takes practice.
Instead of trying to ramble off a poetical piece from Song of Songs, staring blankly at our toes as our cheeks turn shades of red, or putting our hands back into the dishes, we can try a more effective approach.
A compliment is best received and reciprocated when we press the pause button on our lives.
Even if you don’t believe it, let the compliment come into your heart and reside there.
Stop. Look. Move.
This is not a fire drill, but a way to acknowledge the truth that your husband is pouring out his heart towards you because he loves you!
Stop.Wipe your hands off. Pull over the car. Take a seat while the shoppers pass all around you. (Don’t care about the stares- people need to see true love more!)
Look.Turn and stare deeply into the eyes. (Bat those lashes ladies!)
Move. Hold his hand. Wrap your arms around him. Put your head on his shoulder. (Snuggle up close!)
Relish in the moment for a few seconds. Perhaps a few seconds will lead to a couple minutes, and a couple minutes will lead to something else! (But only when you are married!)
I know it sounds silly- stop, look, move. But all that takes a few seconds and will work wonders for your relationship.
Compliments are not meant to be tossed off and treated as common goods.
Compliments should be received with sincerity. They are a rare gem, even if you hear them every day.
Stop and receive it and you will start to believe it! You are adored. Treasured. Loved. Radiant. Beautiful.
Practicing to receive compliments from our man shows him more love and respect than you realize!
And your heart will be changed in the process.
Before you go and pick up more items for the big day, pick up on his compliments and respond to them!
We were getting married in just a week and my husband actually had the nerve to tell me that he did not want me walking down the aisle to the song I had chosen.
“That’s okay,” I thought, “We can work through this.” While inside I was fuming! Surely this is not a Christian thing to do! My husband-to-be was already telling me what I had to do!
Was this a sign of things to come?
Indeed it was.
But rather than a sign of the many disagreements we would face, it was a sweet picture of the compromise that would undoubtedly be present every day of our marriage.
Before I tell you the end of the story, let me tell you that my husband and I are extremely different,or maybe we are too similar. But regardless, we clash a lot.Throughout our dating years, there were a few break-ups over this very fact- our differences. These differences ranged from the foods we ate to the activities we enjoyed, to our personalities and our work ethic.
But we had a mysterious love for one another. We could not be without each other. We always wandered back into one another’s arm. It’s where we felt the most peace. However, our love would prove be meaningless, if we never learned the art of compromise. If we were going to enjoy being married to one another we, at times, would need to agree upon a happy middle.
As Christians the word compromise is anything less than sweet. Most often it means a person has one foot in a worldly life, and one foot in God’s kingdom. They can be called repulsive luke-warm, and perhaps a hypocrite.
But in marriage, we need to get the picture of a luke-warm, hypocritical Christian out of our mind. Compromise is truly one of the best tasting words that can roll off your tongue between a husband and a wife.
It means we are considering someone else’s needs above our own.
It means we are willing to not get our own way.
It means our way is not always the right way.
This is the art of compromise. Two distinctly different people gradually become one.
Rather than losing our individuality, compromise actually refines us and makes us more like Christ. It accepts the fact that we are still far from perfect.
When I heard that my husband did not like the song I picked, you would have thought I had chosen an offensive rap song to walk down the aisle too, rather than a beautiful worship song titled, “One Pure and Holy Passion.”
He did not know what he had done to my heart. I had dream about walking down the aisle to this song. I just knew it was the one, God told me.
At this point things could either blow up into a major fight with tears, yelling, and slamming doors. Or we could walk through this decision together. Work it out like mature adults, keeping our words coated in grace and love.
Thankfully, the later was true. I was able to get a hold of my emotions and hurt, and learn one of the greatest lessons in the school of compromise.
Many ladies that I tell this story to, engaged women in particular, gasp with a look of horror when I say that my husband made me change the song.
But looking back, it was a testimony of God’s design for marriage. Itwas not my wedding, just like it was not my marriage. It was our wedding, and it was our marriage. When two people become one, compromise is inevitable. Marriage will challenge the way you live, the way you think, the things you hold so strongly too. It will make you a different person, and an even better wife.
Don’t hold so tightly to your way and your desires. If there are places you need to learn the art of compromise, there is no better time to learn than when planning a wedding together.
Don’t let your differences tear you apart.
Even if it means changing your song!
Side note: I ended up walking down the aisle to “I Can Only Imagine.” We sang the other song I wanted during the worship time. The compromise worked out perfect and we were both happier!
Make peace with this fact…You will fight with your husband. Probably not what you want to hear.
I don’t know where you stand with this statement as an engaged woman. Maybe you and your fiancé have had many arguments. Maybe you have broken up several times. Maybe you have even given the ring back at some stage. Or maybe you have had only minor disagreements. Your fiance is better than chocolate to you, and you have not yet flirted with the waters of anger, frustration, and rage with one another.
No matter what kind of fighting you have experienced with your soon-to- be-husband. No matter what kind of frustrations you have with him. No matter how healthy of a relationship you have. Or even how much your heart flutters when you see him. You cannot escape the fact that you are human.
I can say without a doubt- YOU WILL FIGHTandIT WILL BE UGLY.
Before I got married I felt like I was being romanced by a prince, together we were strolling the streets of Paris, kissing, hugging, and telling our deepest secrets to one another. I was convinced that I would never fight with my husband. After all, he was a prince and I was his princess. We were in love. WRONG.
Not that we were not in love. Not that we were not one another’s prince and princess. Not that we did not love being romantic and affectionate with one another. But we were both human...very human.
Therefore, fighting was unavoidable.Even ask the most beautiful couple you know and admire. Sure, they may fight more glamorously. They may even fight without tears, or raised voices. They may actually keep their composure. (I wish I could do this!)
But my point is this...
Every married couple will fight.Unfortunately no one has ever written the book:
“10 Steps to Never Argue with Your Spouse Again”
“How to Always Agree with your Husband”
“Secrets to a Perfect Marriage”
Why is it important to realize before you are married that you will fight with your husband?
Because…You don’t have to AVOID fighting with one another or be afraid when it happens, but you can learn how to COPE with it when it does occur.
Here are 10 things I have learned about having arguments with my husband, all from experience (start practicing while you are engaged!) :
#1: It is not the end of the world because you and your spouse are fighting.( I sometimes think that God does not love me anymore, that marriage is falling apart, that I am a horrible wife, and that I should just give up…don't recommend walking down this path!)
#2: Put a timer to your tears.You can’t have a decent conversation until you the eyes are dry and the snot has stopped flowing. ( I try to argue and make a point while I am crying… hasn't worked yet.)
#3: Breathe. Take a break. Go for a walk. (Helps to clear your mind, think straight, and get perspective)
#4: Talk it out.Always persevere. Never just give up or walk away and talk "later." (If it comes up later it will only be worse.)
#5: Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive.You can never ask for, or offer forgiveness enough times. (Warning: You will get tired of this word but forgiveness never fails to work!)
#6: It always takes two to make an argument.One person is not the only one to blame. (Don’t point fingers. If you think about it… you did do something to contribute to the argument.)
#7: Don’t use swords, but oreo cookies. Swords hurt, they leave wounds. They are just plain painful. Oreo cookies are hard and soft, truth and encouragement. They leave a good taste in your mouth. They can be savored and enjoyed. Even when fighting, you can use words that build up and give the other person truth and encouragement, remember an oreo cookie- encouragement, truth, encouragement. While sword-like words hurts for hours, days, and even months afterwards.
#8: Make sure and laugh at some point in the argument. Don’t take life too seriously. (Ohhh I wish I could better at this one. Practice. Practice.Practice.)
#9: Try to remember while you are fighting that it is healthy.It will make you both stronger as a couple. You are learning how to love one another more completely.
#10: Have sex after you fight.(It’s the best, God intended for sex to maintain and bring the unity in marriage!! Enjoy a good make –out and make-up session!!)
A final note… in case you were wondering… my husband and I did not have a blissful dating season or engagement. There were disagreements around every corner. These differences created unrest in our hearts and we even broke up several times before finally getting engaged. In fact, we even fought the day before our wedding! He had to call me that night, while I was crying in the bathroom, and we both had to apologize. But marriage did not make all that go away. In fact the fighting can and will intensify, BUT so will the love you have for one another.
However, arguments do not have to be a sign that your marriage is weak, or that you married the wrong person. Actually quite the opposite.When you argue, bicker and disagree it is an opportunity to make your marriage stronger and your love deeper.When your marriage covenant of steadfast love remains and you walk in God’s grace, there is no argument you cannot get through. It is simply a sign that you are both human, learning how to love one another more completely, and become more like Jesus.
Don’t go looking to pick a fight with your spouse. Just accept the fact the arguments will come. And they may be ugly. (You might even cry, maybe yell, even slam a door) But you can rejoice, knowing that you will both come through stronger. Learn to argue in love.
My husband left for ten days on a trip for work, the longest we have been apart since being married. During these ten days I slept over at a girlfriend’s house.
She would have kicked me out if I traipsed around her house in my usual sleeping attire.
I miss my lingerie.
For ten days I was forced back into my frilly heart pajamas, and plaid baggy bottoms with a simple t-shirt. So plain. I wore those for 27 years of my life.
Ofcourse I am not saying get rid of your old raggedy t-shirts or worn-out flannels, they are great for occasions just like these- sleeping with friends, big family vacations, or when company is staying over.
But now that you are going to be a married woman I highly recommend taking a trip to the lingerie store and only bringing out the oldies when absolutely necessary.
Lingerie stores use to petrify me. Seriously. I would mutter phrases under my breath like,
“Please… why do women need to wear that!” Or “Geesh, that is awfully skanky...”
Or “that is way too revealing. What’s the use?” Or, “That can’t be comfortable.”
But that’s only because I was a single girl. Totally inexperienced and naïve about what married life was all about.
Lingerie was for those other women. Women who were not married. Women who had no values. Women who had the “stuff” to show- off in items like that. Surely those women were not Jesus loving, passionate women after God’s heart.
Thankfully I had a revelation. Lingerie wasn’t just for the “other women” but it was actually more for us godly women! If anyone should be wearing that stuff it should be us!! Women who are committed to their man for life.
God honoring women were allowed to be sexy too!
But what about my body? I would never dare to try on something like lingerie- lacey, silky, see-through, my mind screamed, “eeekkkk!” But deep down inside I really wanted to just see what it was like.
Thankfully God showed me that no matter your size or shape, lingerie adorns your body like whip cream on hot chocolate. It does not add or take from what you already have, but it gives you that little extra. It would be silly to say that marriage is all about the lingerie you wear. Ofcourse, it’s not.
But my point is this- Lingerie adds a little decoration into marriage. Not only is it a special treat for you, but your husband will want to look at you forever.
The best part is… you don’t have the body of the Victoria’s Secret model to slip into a lacey night gown, it makes every woman feel like a princess no matter the size or shape you God has given you.
My outlook on lingerie did not change overnight. But two bridal showers later, I went from 2 white bras and polka dot underwear to a drawer overflowing with enough intimate wear for the whole first two months of our marriage!
It made me blush just looking at in the drawer! But trust me, lingerie is no good until it’s worn. Now was my chance. I could finally get to try it on. Too frightened to appear in a store browsing around for unmentionables, I now had my opportunity.
Hours later… I was grinning, spinning with excitement for the wedding night, feeling confident, and womanly. I had finally tried on everything I had received from only my first bridal shower.
Slipping into made me feel like a present waiting to be unwrapped by my husband.
I suddenly realized how special, not skanky it was.
Instead of complaining I would never wear it, I now wanted more.
The more revealing it was the more it made feel like a princess.
And to my surprise these less coverage items were much more comfortable.
Now, I know some married women who NEVER highlight their bodies by wearing such things anymore. It stopped the day after their honeymoon.
And all I can think is… Sad, there lingerie is getting dusty. Not that their husband loves them any less. But lingerie is a simple way to keep the love vibrant, fresh and young in marriage.
It seems to say, “I am still ready for you. Still in love with you. Still pursuing you. You are still worth it.”
Who would not want to say that to their husbands!
So before you go and try to find the perfect shoes to match your wedding dress, make sure you have invested adequate time in picking out the stunning little number for your honeymoon night and… have enough for a few nights after that!
Skimming through pre-marital books, and seeing the sketches of the more “intimate parts” of marriage, usually left me gasping for air. My eyes peeled back in shock. These reading sessions were normally quite brief, since my ability to digest sex talk was quite low as an engaged woman!
My naïve mind was still haunted by the question, “What will my husband think when he sees me naked?”
Months before my wedding I was still vividly imagining the shock on my husband’s face when he discovered my prickly leg hairs, non-existent cleavage, and fuzzy arm hair in all their glory.
Sex with the light on. Never.
Lingerie. Not me.
Bubble bath together. In your dreams.
Sex with
the light on. Never.
Lingerie.
Not me.
Bubble
bath together. In your dreams.
Obviously, I was nowhere near the
definition of a sexually confident wife! Nearly every time I looked in the
mirror my eyes focused on the mistakes.
Here’s why…
For most
of my life I only owned two white bras and boy cut underwear in polka dots and
stripes. I was known as the first person to grab a towel out of the swimming
pool, and the last to walk around in a bra and panties in my all-girls
apartment. Never wanting to draw attention to myself, I was ashamed of the way
God had made me.
The
desire for a perfect figure eventually led me into the biggest battle of my
life so far- an eating disorder. Instead of giving me the confidence I
desperately longed for, this obsession quickly stole my femininity.
I soon
found myself feeling like an “it,” rather than a woman.My womanly figure was non-existent. I
consisted of skin and bones, and was blinded to the beauty within me. The thick
blanket of lies that covered me had succeeded in getting me to think I would
never be pretty enough.
If my
thighs touched together I felt worthless. When my belly stuck out a little I would
run for an hour on the treadmill. If I noticed any sign of fat developing I
would nibble on some lettuce leaves making it my only meal of the day.
The
scale was more than a machine. It eventually became best friend, the smaller
numbers it gave me the more I enjoyed standing on it.
I was starving for confidence. Dying
for change.
Fast forward my story to 2010.
I am now
approaching one year of marriage. I have stopped fighting the battle to be beautiful
and thin. God has shown me that counting calories and staying a size two will never make me feel beautiful.
You will
find me confidently sporting my two-piece swimsuit, even though my body is
nothing like the women on magazine covers. The size of my thighs or how my
jeans fit (even if they are a little tighter!) does not rock my world because I
know that my curves are feminine. The scale only
tells me my weight- it does not determine my confidence.
Although
you may have never struggled with an eating disorder, perhaps, you’ve fallen
into the trap of believing that binge dieting, late night workouts, and skin
regimens can somehow give you the perfect body, and in return give you the
confidence you so desperately desire.
However, deriving our confidence
from the number on the scale or the little tag on the inside of our jeans, will
always leave us dissatisfied, and not to mention hungry!
Are you starving to be confident
in your physical appearance?
Along
with my testimony, perhaps you need a little more motivation in learning to
love the body God has given you…Being
confident in your body will also unlock greater depths of intimacy in your
marriage!
My
husband is thrilled to see that I do not hide my body behind a towel, nor am I skittish
in my lingerie, or fearful to be naked. Nothing could excite him more than to
hear me say,
Sex with
the light on. Definitely more fun!
Lingerie.
Always!
Bubble
bath together. Can’t wait!
As married women, the view we
have of our body does not just affect one person, but two!
Before
you try to wax off all your odd hairs, run yourself crazy on the treadmill, or
complain about your awkward features- stand naked in from the mirror and accept,
with a smile, the body that God has
given you.
If God
can take a woman who was once fearful of gaining a single pound and transform
her into a sexually confident wife, then He can certainly do for you too!
Remember that true
beauty is not something to be achieved;
rather it is who we are as women. Our
bodies are fingerprints of His handiwork.
What awkward features about your body (we all
have them!) are you allowing to steal your confidence?
Are
you still battling to accept the woman you see in the mirror?
Being
confident in our own skin makes us exceptionally radiant and attractive women.
Better yet, it is a priceless gift we can give our husbands every day of our
marriage!
The real dance of the wedding day has nothing to do with the right shoes or the smooth moves.
My husband and I were very much aware of our dancing handicap. We knew quite well that our first dance on our wedding day would be a shocker.
A picture of awkwardness; like two clumsy clowns trying to find their feet after colliding into one another. If we did not get some timing to our step and flow to our bodies we would be an embarrassment to all.
As if I did not have enough pressure already. Friends were flying in from all over the country, the last minute details were coming together. Being a determined bride, no box was going to be left unchecked.
But I was afraid time was running short. The “learn to dance” box was still empty days before our wedding.
I felt the pressure from countless bridal websites telling me that the first dance should be so well choreographed that everyone is left gasping at its beauty.
Most couples seemed to have planned their every move, practiced for hours each day, and got professional lessons. They looked like an old married couple waltzing across the floor, like they foreknew the other’s step before it was even taken.
However, more important than the fancy steps, the swing dance flips over his shoulder, or the wows from the crowd, is the dance called marriage.
This is the dance that you want to practice, starting now while you are engaged.
Work on being in sync with one another, by that I mean, getting to know one another better. Know what makes the other person’s day. Know how to please one another in every way.
Learn the “fancy steps” of marriage. Loving one another unconditionally, forgiving and forgetting, encouraging and serving one another.
As for the “swing dance flips,” you will learn these with time. These are the mountain tops of marriage that come as you get in rythem with each other. Marriage is overflowing with moments such as these, but they only come with practice and a willingness to always keep moving forward together.
This is a well choreographed marriage that will truly “wow the crowd.”
I am sure you are wondering what happened on my husband and I’s first dance.
We got in a short practice with some of our gifted swing dance loving friends, but I cannot say those 30 minutes were a success.
We only realized once more that our dance moves are naturally dreadful. Everyone else seemed to be floating around on the wood floor, while were like two elephants with four heavy feet each. We were a tangled mess.
However, the first dance did not resemble the style we were so prone to exhibit.
Surprised hardly describes how we felt on our wedding day as we whirled around in the backyard like no one was watching. We were not performing, or trying to impress. As newlyweds we were enraptured with one another.
These clumsy clowns realized the secret to dancing. It lies in looking into one another’s eyes not just while the music is playing but for a lifetime.
This is the marriage dance. It is the dance that we will persistently pour our effort and time into practicing.
If you are feeling overwhelmed by needing to have a first dance at your wedding, let it worry you know more! Coming from a bumbling bride, you will have a lifetime to practice “dancing.”
This is not exactly the sweet country home I had dreamt about, at least not yet. But instead of changing his nerdy little ways, in 8 short months, this side of him has become a major attraction to me not a distraction. I am pleasantly surprised to find that I absolutely love seeing my husband engaged fully in his work and enjoying it {most of the time!}.
